Artful Adulthood - A Journey to Healing

 artful adulthood

I have always envied those who can take what they see, or what they create in their mind's eye, and put it on paper. Walking by high school art galleries and classes, seeing the creative ideas of family and friends online, and enjoying the visual splendor of art in museums stirs a creative need in my heart. 

My background is in music. I studied vocal performance and music education and now teach choir and general music at the high school level. As such, I value the artistic process. Though I didn't have much piano skill in high school, I remember sitting at the piano and playing whatever sounds were appealing to my ear. Eventually, I had a few little tunes that were nothing special - but very special to me. One I called "Grief" as I created sounds that felt like each stage of grief to me (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). This piece of music was cathartic to play and process the feelings I had experienced many times throughout my life at the loss of grandparents, an uncle, and various other relatives and family friends.

Life happened, pandemic happened, first child happened. Time available for creating was limited to music making with students at school.

Fast forward to the summer of 2021. This era began a series of stacking stressors that ultimately resulted in crippling anxiety:

• Toddling one year old.
• Got a new job offer.
• Sold our condo. 
• Couldn't find a new home.
• Discovered we were pregnant (surprise!).

Fall of 2021

• 3 months living with friends
• Stress at new job leading to excessive working hours
• Regret leaving old job, home, community
• Realizing we are creatures of habit and do NOT like change
• Loving our 18 month old

Winter 2022

• New home - OLD gal. Lots of work to be done
• New baby - no sleep.
• Postpartum Anxiety
• Financial issues with balancing mental health/need to return to work
• Find out we're pregnant again... (surprise...)

Life was an absolute tornado. There seemed to be no relief. Despite all the incredible ways God provided for and blessed us - a refreshing/challenging new job, profit on our condo, a loving family to live with for three months, a new job with a rich choral tradition, musically advanced students and incredible music making, the ability to purchase a home that met all our needs, an adorable well-sleeping baby - we were crippled with change and transition.

My 30th birthday was an all time low. All plans fell through. Children were having a difficult day. I was sad - so sad. During nap time, I took out some watercolor paints and paper. With no plan, I started to draw a sunflower. Each stroke on the page released the tension that had built up in my body. Stroke. Stroke. Petal. Stroke. Stroke. Petal. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Seeds. Rinse, wipe, repeat.

For the first time in a long time, I felt good. Felt relief. Felt a physical release of the anxiety that would build up in my chest. Of course, with a new baby, a toddler, and going back to work, this was the only time I used art as a form of relief.

Fast forward again - Baby #3! What a blessing! ... Cue postpartum anxiety. Panic attacks. Depression. Marital problems. Overwhelm. And lastly - medication. My therapist started me on an anti-depressant for anxiety. Within two days, my body remembered what it felt like to have relief. The overwhelm did not take over. I was able to work with my therapist on regulating during times that caused stress. We were able to look at life and figure out how to minimize the things that were causing main stressors. We started marriage counseling. We opened up to friends about our struggles. We had support.

There was light at the end of the tunnel. By the end of the summer, I was able to wean from the medication and approach a new school year, medication free, in a much better place. 

Present Day - 

Well - this year has certainly tested me. With a new schedule there is more to do and less time to do it in. We have a precious young family of three boys who all need lots of love and attention. I have a music program that is thriving but still evolving. It's a lot! 

I started to get overwhelmed. I started to feel the first pangs of anxiety start building in my chest as our family tension grew with more time I put in at work. So what was there to do?

Relief came in the form of watercolor... once again! I had taken out a few watercolor books from the library. One was NOT what I wanted... it didn't teach me how to draw/paint things realistically. It was process driven and "mindful." Sheesh. When would I use this?

As it turns out, the focus on process driven art, focused on mindfulness and intention was actually quite therapeutic. It required few materials, was easy to follow, and was low-stakes - it didn't matter if the image wasn't a realistic design. Emphasized in this book was starting the intention of establishing a daily practice of watercolor. As a musician, I recognized that short bouts everyday would be more effective (both in skill development and perhaps as a means of therapeutic relief) than sitting once a weekend for an hour or more at a time. And let's face it, with three wild boys, that's not really a possibility.

So I've started a journey with Kateri Ewing's book "Watercolor is for Everyone" and I am going to write down my experience so I can track my growth! I hope you'll come along this journey with me! Certainly, future posts will (probably) not be this long.

<3 Rachel